Not All Came ...

I started out on this journey in my travel van, it’s full to capacity, the tank is full.  My one request asked of you, is for you be present, on this trip together, around the galaxy.  Emotions  tend to run high, in the moment, I’m bound to say something that I didn’t mean, lighthearted exchanges in jest.  Everyone here has provided a certain comfort.  Initially comfortability, words were told to me, please ‘feel free to be yourself’ this is a no judgment zone, ‘supposedly’  it was a lie.  I realized that, when the first passenger asked to be dropped off, I was startled, even shocked at the urgency, it was so extreme, we were on the freeway, no exit ramp in sight. 
Quickly realizing that all things aren’t what they seem.  What I know for sure. my intent is to move in love.  Far from perfect.  

It took me a lifetime to get to what I call, a comfort happy zone.  Bare in mind, we are less than 45 minutes into this trip, turbulence wasn’t in my equation, a reveal.  I am what I am, complexed and contradictory, but when I check myself or I’m checked by someone, it shows that work will always be needed.  People often retreat, they don’t show up, when the rain comes, crazy thing is this,  I love the rain, cleansing and renewal, gives layers. I always bounce back.  To know i’ve hurt someone that I love or loved, apparently I did, painfully they are no longer here. Physically not a lot distance, in terms of geography, but absent in my life.  I could run and disappear as I’ve often done in the past,  as that’s the easy thing to do, to escape , when it’s tense, and not so smooth sailing,  I decided , I will sit here, in the moment and take this pain,  if it’s what I have inflicted on others. 
Let me sit here in this moment, taking sole responsibility, I’ve totally eff’d up, proving to be human once again.  Ive evoked pain, towards, a love.  

The winds of change are constant and consistent.  I’m still in the driver seat, believe it or not, I’m OK being a passenger.  Painfully the observation is that not everyone, makes it to the end,  with you. It’s not what I signed up for, when I invited you into my heart, I sincerely assumed that you were here to stay.  I was wrong, and its okay.  The raindrops continue, as tears run down my face,  I miss you, I miss us.  Knowing  that you felt, your exit departure was necessary. That’s the reflection when I’m being mature, even often times I am not.  We as humans are immature, that perfection, Of ‘not’ doing anything wrong, that same song groove, is old and tired.  Getting to the point of knowing what you deserve, it’s absolute. You ‘must’ do the work,  the pain is in there, for a reason.  It’s okay when it’s your fault,  I don’t think blame is the adequate tool, of pointing fingers, all were active participants.  Step up and by all means show up. 

2019 my heart fell, from out of my soul.  Three times, I lost 25 plus year branches, that gave me life and appeared to be ‘freedom’ for me, yes raw wounded  me.  I’m raw and hollow inside, overwhelming tears running down my face made me realize, that I seemingly did something that proved to be, too much truthfully.  Again, I insist that we remove finger pointing blame, the fault is, it was us, that drove the wedge.  
My core soul heart aches, I miss the hell out of them.  Setting sparrows free gave me a temporary handicap,  I was down.  I got up again, walking with a different approach,  having to look in all directions,  realizing, the ones who once, said they had my back,  promised to protect me. were hurt by me, leaving  to retreat, left me EMPTY.  In my caravan I will always have room for them, with bountiful portions, of me.  The irony of ownership, should be more than enough.   

Secretly resentment of me was there, My whole presence, appeared to be too much,  but you always were enough for me. 
The love that I have for you it comes freely, your space in my heart, will always be.  It’s not for me to speak on your capacity for me.  The laughs, heartfelt conversations, all things you no longer have a desire from me.  
New beginnings, separately we now are writing new solo chapters, wondering if you ever think of horrible horrific me, who just believed,  I was in it, to love and give love unconditionally.  Call me weak, through all of the ‘whatever’ we were, I still long ... that’s my truth.  Life hasn’t been a crystal stair,  but I continue to climb the stairs, that encumbered most.  I came out on top, telling the story of loss, acknowledgment, awakening and perseverance.  Feeling somewhat melancholy, not all came to stay. 

What Are You Doing With Your Life?

Best’

Kevin Knighton