No Apologies/TGIF

It's a Happy Fall Friday....

For those of you who might remember Mrs. Johnson, I had the pleasure of spending Wednesday afternoon with her. She's hanging in there, and ever so full of wisdom, looking at the world from the eyes of the terminally ill, always makes me get off the pity party bandwagon. I feel that my wisdom is executed by leaps and bounds when I spend time with Mrs. Johnson. She doesn't have any anger nor bitterness, she's so at peace, and unapologetic for her life. The highs, lows, triumphs and despair. When I saw her this week, I didn't share the story of my recent loss, I wanted to give her my full attention and I wanted our time to be special, as it always is. when I'm with her.

We talked about friendships, we talked about God, we talked about politics, tolerance and relationships. She has a daughter that looks at me crazy every time she sees me, but I know what that's about, guilt is a strange bedfellow, nonetheless I even understand why, besides the most obvious reason. Gloom for the terminally ill, can be uplifting and invigorating, because sometimes its a hell 'why not' stance? What is this going to harm that hasn't been harmed already. Whenever I visit with her, I bring fun things like gag gifts, ice cream, candy, sometimes liquor:) though she never touches it, maybe it's secretly for her daughter. We always play bridge, which she introduced me to, and we always listen to vocal standards and swing. When it was time to leave, I hugged her just a little bit longer for my own personal reasons. I think we both appreciated the tenderness of the moment.

Driving home I couldn't help but to think about the conversations that we covered. We talked about a lifelong friendship that she had, and how life happened and their falling out. She shared with me about true forgiveness, and I shared her sentiment. To share your good, bad and dirty with close personal friends, where you feel that you can be yourself, and not apologize for who and what you are, is the reason that you have friendships. For a person to know the complete you and not judge you for it, that's the awesome feeling of worth and gratitude. Pity and envy should never be a part of friendship, but as we all know, and most have experienced, some have ulterior motives.

In friendships where you've crossed a boundary, and you can't see eye to eye, when a mistake is made, or several mistakes are made, and sometimes it can be the same mistake. Having the heart in the right place, I feel gets you a pass, for dialogue and conversation. It's quite a different beast to be apologetic and to seek sincere forgiveness, and for all appearance sake, it seems to be water under the bridge, yet actions fully contradict the one, who supposedly has wholeheartedly forgiven you. I touched on this before about the person who accepts the apology as being the bigger person, because to forgive, is to let go.

Some would argue that you can forgive, but not forgot. I don't agree, holding on brings resentment. At that point we must access the friendship and situation, and investigate in your soul searching, if the friendship is worth trying to mend. I think it takes much work to invest time in a friendship, to put quality and effort there, only for the other person to fully have no intentions of moving on. A disservice is done, and in my opinion no one wins, both parties lose.

In a situation where the end seems near, we waste far too much time on what's NOT important, as oppose to what is, like how we truly feel about one another, in our naked unguarded vulnerabilities. Live life in the present, take it all in, and when you reflect back on the impacts and foundations. Forgive yourself, and perhaps other's who may have wronged you, and if you can't get to that point, come away realizing that maybe it just might be okay not to forgive, or that you wont be forgiven by someone....and that's okay too.

What are you doing with your life?